Protect Your Helping Hand From Abuse

"No Good Deed Goes Unpunished"

~Letitia Baldridge

There are some among us who apparently believe they are not bound by established principles and practices, observed by humans for ages.  There is a litany of phrases, quotations and exhortations dedicated to guiding our interactions. E.g. "One hand washes the other... You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours... Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." The duty we owe our fellow humans is clearly established.  John Donne wrote about it.

No man is an island entire of itself; every man
is a piece of the continent, a part of the main;
if a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe
is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as
well as a manor of thy friends or of thine
own were; any man's death diminishes me,
because I am involved in mankind.
And therefore never send to know for whom
the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.  

Joan Baez sang about it.

No man is an island, no man stands alone
Each man's joy is joy to me
Each man's grief is my own
We need one another, so I will defend
Each man as my brother
Each man as my friend

Still, there are individuals, groups even, demanding our time, expecting our attention with no thought of how we are impacted.  They call us in times of need, but are absent when roles reverse.  In the past, I became hurt or angry when abandoned by those I had rushed to assist.  One day, it became clear that something needed to change. I stopped rushing, especially to those who were clearly taking advantage.  I forced myself to consider the motivation factor. Weighing my sacrifice against the expected outcome, my behavior gradually changed.  I remained available, but on my terms, according to my ability, shocking many who had come to expect a much different response. 

When faced with an opportunity to be of assistance, I truly believe most people will avail themselves, motivated by empathy or duty.  It's lovely to feel morally obligated, but have clarity around your motivation and what you expect to accomplish. I'm not suggesting we extend kindnesses with an expectation of reciprocity.  Very often, things are not received in the same spirit they are given, and our gifts may not come back to us packaged the same way.  Altruism makes sense to me because blessings often appear unexpected and are hardly ever an obvious reward for a specific deed.  We should therefore extend ourselves for the benefit of others whenever possible, employing everything at our immediate disposal. Christians are encouraged not to grow weary in well-doing.  At an appointed time we will reap the harvest of all we've sown.

... HOWEVER... 

Should you notice individuals who rely on your kindness, yet consistently disappear or disappoint in your time of need, I challenge you to use discernment when extending yourself.  Always decline if you are to suffer extreme inconvenience or discomfort. When volunteers are requested, remain tight-lipped, while carefully considering how you might be impacted.  Know your motivation and release any expectations.  An emotional response is attached to any action requiring sacrifice.  In the spirit of Altruism, you may derive great joy from serving others or intense anger at realizing you've been used and bamboozled. Anger is an appropriate response, but only if self-directed.  After all, you are ultimately responsible for your decisions.  

In direct opposition to Altruism, a measure of selfishness is essential to survival.  We must first attend to our own needs.  Any flight attendant will tell you.

In the event of decompression, an oxygen mask will automatically appear in front of you. To start the flow of oxygen, pull the mask towards you. Place it firmly over your nose and mouth, secure the elastic band behind your head, and breathe normally. Although the bag does not inflate, oxygen is flowing to the mask. If you are traveling with a child or someone who requires assistance, secure your mask on first, and then assist the other person.